My name is Autumn and I’m a hater.  I am a perpetual rage machine.  I like to think that my particular flavor of hater is superior to other haters (of course, I do) because I do my best to never hate on something unless I can offer a solution or alternative.  The world has enough critics.

Men’s fashion is boring.  It doesn’t have to be but men hardly ever take fashion risks.  I imagine this has to do with gender policing and them being beat up for “being gay,” because they care about their appearance.  Toning down fashion as a defense mechanism against caustic masculinity is completely understandable.  However, at the end of the day they still look boring.

Men’s shoes take on several iterations of boring.

The Boring Black Dress Shoe

No.

No.

I get it.  You thought you’d buy the plainest cheapest dress shoe you could find because it “will go with everything.”  How often do you dress up anyway?  Here’s the thing: you look terrible.  You look like a reluctant child whose mom forced him to dress up and you are doing the bare minimum to not get in trouble.  If you are going to buy dress shoes:

Chukkahs or Double Monks are what you want.  Single monk if you have to.

Yes.

Be careful: the single monk can turn on you.  These are box-toed wing-tip, single monks and they look like S&M pilgrim shoes.

These actually come with a free pillory.

Fucking Wing-Tips

Come off it, gentlemen.  You are not gangsters from the 20s.  What are you hoping for?  A Cherry Poppin’ Daddies reunion?  Zoot suits make you look like a child trying to wear your obese father’s clothing.  Wing-tips are for old Italian men who are paid to murder people.

There are exceptions to every rule.  These wing-tip boots are starting to look like docs and they are straight up cash-money, son.  Do you see dat cuff?  Sexy every time.

Beep. Beep.

Athletic Shoes Outside of Athletic Activities

Yes, they’re comfortable and expensive.  I can see where you got confused and thought they could serve multiple purposes.  Athletic shoes are not meant to look good.  They have a purpose.  Use them as intended.

I get the temptation.  I run in vibrams (those ugly toe shoes).  I don’t try to make vibrams a thing outside of physical activity.  I am not above wearing them clubbing though.  Dancing well is more important than making dicks hard at the club.

The exception is statement athletic shoes.  You’ll know them when you see them.

Hiking Shoes

     I dated a man who thought hiking shoes were a year round favorite and wore them every single day.  Just like the ones pictured above.  Every.  Day.  He tricked me into dating him by wearing docs everyday until we dated and then out came the fucking hiking shoes.

Picture this: dress slacks professionally tailored, beautiful knit sweaters, designer glasses…and those fucking hiking boots with white tube socks.  Skin tight jeans with a dynamite ass, fitted tee shirt, tailored wool pea coat… and those fucking hiking boots with white tube socks.  I was humiliated every time we went out in public by those shoes.  I wish he wore Crocs or Uggs.  Oh to be so lucky.

I found these great hiking boots and tried to push them on him for years.  It didn’t work.

Remind you of anything?

I think the easiest way to look at it is, shoes serve a function.  Select your shoes based on their function.  Running shoes are for when you’re running.  Hiking shoes are for when you’re hiking.  Double monks are for when you want to be thought of as attractive and charming.  Boots are for when you want attractive and charming people to have mad wild sex with you at the drop of a hat.  It’s an easy formula.

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