Peplum Anything

Image, Fashion, Trends

Coats, shirts, skirts, I don’t care.  I think Peplum is the most hideous cut in all of fashion.  A few months ago I caught wind that they were coming into style and I have been aggressively frowning at anyone wearing that cut ever since.

Peplums are part of a genre of cuts that I like to call “circus tents for your genitals.”  Peplum is the lady flavored crotch tent.  The gentleman flavored crotch tent would be:

Pleated Pants

Image, Fashion, No Pleats

Pleated pants never look better than their unpleated counterparts.  The Satorialaist will occasionally have some confused old man in pleated pants that looks great but would look one thousand times better without them.  Pleated pants create a little bubble of fabric around your crotch/butt that makes you look like you have a pouch of fat over your genitals and a fat ass.

Booties

Image, Fashion, Trends

     This is the worst shoe design imaginable.  Not only is it a high heel, so it serves no function, but also it creates an unattractive illusion of shorter legs.  There is no way for booties to be elegant.  They always look “funky” or “edgy” which is fine if that’s the aesthetic you’re after but at least have the good sense to choose something flattering if you’re going to opt to walk like a cross between a baby deer on ice and an elephant with cement blocks on it’s feet.  Have I mentioned that I truly believe only 1% of the female population knows how to walk in heels?

Coach Bags

Image, Fashion, Trends

You are an idiot.  I used to have a Dooney and Burke bag with logos all over it.  I was seventeen and an idiot.  A designer label is no substitute for style and quite frankly a midrange designer label just tells everyone you’re too shallow for a purely functional bag and too poor for a real name.

Coach bags without the logo all over them are fine.  They’re fine because I don’t know they’re Coach bags.  But if you can’t afford Louie Vuitton stop trying to associate yourself with women who can and chose to flaunt their wealth in that way.  You do realize that’s the point of a bag covered in logos.  It’s to flaunt wealth.  You don’t have that wealth with a $300 bag.  Women with $30,000 bags have that wealth.  Just stop.  You’re the fashion equivalent of a cover band of a washed up old band that was never that good.

Rubber Cause Bracelets

Image, Fashion, Slactivism

Ah yes, the accessory embodiment of slactivism.  You need to wear constant visible proof that you gave money to a charity for the benefit of everyone around you.  You tried to make jewelry a symbol of how selfless you are.

Let’s be honest here.  Those bracelets are a trend like crocs and bellbottoms.  They exist for your image.  You are riding the tailcoats of charity for your image and you’re doing it with ugly jewelry.  You have lost control of your life.

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