The Official Guide to Home Wrecking
Posted on November 9, 2012
This is not my post on how to be an awesome person. This is not a behavior I condone. I wrote this for a friend to show them that someone was endangering their relationship. There is a formula to breaking up a couple.
So you want to break a couple up. The first thing you need to ask yourself is what you want the outcome to be. Do you have a target that you want to seduce? Do you want to date someone who is already taken? Or do you just want to cause someone pain? Whatever your reason is, you need to admit it to yourself.
If you don’t know what you want, you need to play the game as though you want to date the object of your affections. It is much easier to change your mind and downgrade your objective than it is to try to upgrade it half way through.
When you attempt this, make no mistake: you are waging war and the odds are already not in your favor. It’s two versus one. Your first goal is to change that. We’re going to call the person you are seducing Alex and the person they are currently dating Morgan. Nice unisex names because anyone can play this game.
The very first thing you want to establish is that you are on Morgan’s side. This may seem counter-intuitive but it is the only way you’re going to be able to break them up without being blamed when it happens. Also, it will establish trust between you and Alex.
Alex has feelings for Morgan. You can’t walk on the scene and insult Morgan because then you will put Alex in a position to defend Morgan and you have strengthened their bond.
You want to know Morgan’s little quirks. What makes them angry, what they’re insecure about, and what they want. If you can’t do this, don’t worry. You’re not lost; you’re just at a disadvantage. Gather information and write it down or commit it to memory because you’re going to need these things at the drop of a hat.
Now when you hang out with Alex alone you’re going to ask how their relationship is going as a concerned friend. It’s small talk. You are not going to press the issue and you are not going to pry. You’re going to wait until they tell you about a problem. Once they tell you about a problem in their relationship, you have half the game won.
This is very important. I cannot stress this next bit enough so take it seriously and apply this tactic or just stop now. You will NEVER take Alex’s side when they have a problem in the relationship. You will NEVER insult Morgan. You will NEVER say Morgan has done something wrong.
Morgan is the most perfect person in the world in your mind. It does not matter what the situation is, you are going to take Morgan’s side and come up with ways that Alex caused this problem. They are going to listen to you more than Morgan because you’re “unbiased.” You are going to plant the seeds of inadequacy.
They have a problem? You’re their buddy to talk to about their relationship now because you’ve set the groundwork that you’re going to ask “as a concerned friend.” Alex is now going to hand you all the information you need. They are going to give you new things to pick at. You’re going to take every painful problem in that relationship and make Alex feel inadequate by them. For example:
If Morgan is nagging and putting them down, Alex just doesn’t make Morgan happy. Telling someone that they don’t make their partner happy is a one-way ticket to killing their self-esteem. It is such a painful insecurity to have that a lot of people will leave the relationship in order to not feel that way. A word of caution, any damage you do to Alex’s psyche you’re going to have to undo later. Make a note of whatever insecurities you create or they’ll come back to bite you.
If Morgan is running around with other people and making Alex jealous, Alex just isn’t creating enough novel experiences to hold Morgan’s attention. Telling someone that they bore their partner might invigorate them to do new things with their partner. Fortunately for you, real life will drag them back into their rut with exhaustion and when that happens they’ll let that seed of inadequacy fester. Now they’re boring and they are all out of fuel to change that.
You are never going to commiserate or imply that you have any problems in your life unless they are really HUGE problems like the death of a parent. You are always happy. You are always having a good day. You want to be someone who it feels good to be around. You are going to be the oasis in their shit storm of a relationship.
That way Alex will only concentrate on all the things they are doing wrong in their relationship. These insecurities are already there. You just need to poke them. After awhile, let’s say five good conversations about a problem or two in their relationship, you’re going to start casually making fun of Alex for their shortcomings that you have created.
Nothing malicious. Just saying things like, “Your brakes are squeaking. I guess you’re not paying enough attention to them either.” “Oh, you don’t know or are you just being a poor communicator again.” Deliver it with a smirk and a pat on the back.
If they get defensive about these jokes sooth it over by saying, “I’m just joking with you. I don’t see you smile enough.” Or if you’re really bold, “I’m kidding. I’m just flirting with you.” If you deliver the latter line without missing a beat, change the topic. Do not give them time to discuss the flirting or create an awkward moment. Have a topic prepared. You want it to be a line that is brushed off into the back of their mind. The former is a safe bet because it makes them think about how unhappy they are.
This does a couple things. First it amplifies their insecurities and makes them dwell on this insurmountable problem that they need to fix. If Morgan is a terrible person and you reassure them of that, they will wait for Morgan to change and cling to Morgan. I don’t know why people do this but if you’ve ever met a battered wife you know they do. If the problem is with Alex, Alex will become frustrated with their own inadequacies and will think the problems will require a hell of a lot more effort on their part than any reasonable human can put towards a relationship and give up on it hopelessly.
Second, this creates a “you and Morgan” versus Alex situation. You have turned the tides. Now it’s two against one.
Third, you have created an inside joke and a bond with Alex that will make them feel closer to you than this person who they have tons of problems with. You are making them feel inadequate but they think Morgan is. You are seen as their comfort. You are flirting.
BAMMO! You’ve got them right where you want them. Now you need to make the puppets dance. Alex is going to confront Morgan about these insecurities and now they’re fighting. Or maybe they’re bonding and growing closer together. If that is the case, Morgan will eventually snap about all of these confrontations and all of these insecurities of Alex’s and then Morgan will feel inadequate and start confronting more. They’re fighting.
With every fight you are given more ammo. Eventually you’re going to want to start making fun of Alex in a different way. Once things get bad with Alex and Morgan you’re going to want to start saying things like, “Why are you still with this person if they only make you feel insecure and inadequate.” And you’re going to casually make them feel insecure about this terrible choice they’ve made to stay with this person. You’re going to say things like, “You sound like a masochist. This relationship is great for you because you get your pain fix daily.” “How is your “relationship” (air quotes) going?”
Now if you have gathered data on Morgan you can really set this break-up on fire. While you’re teasing them about having a failed relationship you can sprinkle in things like, “Oh man, you have been working so much and you know how Morgan has always wanted to travel the world. How are you going to have enough money and time to do that with them?” “Are you sure you should be talking to me? You know how jealous Morgan gets and you wouldn’t want to make them even more upset.”
Alex is going to crawl into their head, overanalyze everything, and end the relationship. There were just too many problems and Alex couldn’t ever make Morgan happy and give Morgan what they want. So sad.
Now if your game was to seduce or date them after this you are going to comfort Alex after the break up but you are not going to immediately seduce them. If you do, you run the risk of making them miss Morgan. If you give them too much comfort or hope that “they’re a stallion,” they are going to question why they couldn’t make things work with Morgan and get back together with them.
Now this may make them run to Morgan for comfort or sleep with Morgan. If that happens you are still in this game. Do not let them talk to you about it. Do not let them vent their frustrations about the pain and hurt sleeping with an ex causes. Just say, “I don’t even want to know about how stupid of a mistake you’re making because I want to respect you in the morning.”
That will crash and burn. Their relationships never regain its feet when Alex is wondering about you. And they’re wondering about what could have been with you because you’ve set up your seduction. Let some time go by. It will blow over. Give them a month before you start laying your new groundwork.
In every relationship there is always something that one partner wants to change about the other. It could be anything from I wish they played video games with me to I wish they could talk to me about sports. You are going to deliver that on a silver platter. Whatever that is, you are going to start doing that. Why? “Because I know this will cheer you up and you’ve been in a funk since things started going downhill with Morgan.”
It’s something that will take Alex’s mind off of Morgan. You are redirecting them into an activity they enjoy with someone they always have a lot of fun with. Oh and also, you’re fulfilling everything that their last relationship never could which will make them putty in your hands. You will look like a beacon of light to them.
While you’re doing this you don’t want to sleep with or date someone who has all of those nasty insecurities you gave them. So you need to quell them. Luckily, you know exactly what they are and what they stem from. Start making Alex feel adequate. Tell them how fun and interesting they are and flirt with them but do not make yourself too available.
You want this person to smolder. You want them to think about you all week with a smile on their face and you’re not going to be able to do that if you hang out with them every day. Once a week is the maximum amount of time they are allowed to spend with you until they kiss you. If you want to date this person, this is going to be hell on earth for you. Suck it up. The pay off is worth it.
You want to make yourself insanely busy. You have hobbies. You have other friends. You have exciting and interesting things going on in your life. Lie if you have to. Kristy Turlington launched her modeling career by going home to spend time with her family for a year and having her agent tell everyone she was just booked solid for a year. People went nuts trying to book her. When she returned she really was booked for a year. You are going to do the same thing.
Scarcity drives up the price. We all want things that we can’t have and we all want things that other people want. You are tapping into both of these desires at once. Also, if Alex is bending over backwards to see you, you get to take precedence over anything else in their life. That’s a good feeling.
They will chase you. Now you have what you wanted, you home wrecking hussy.